Early last year I was on depression medicine for post-partum depression. The only problem with that is that any medicine we tried I would soon show EVERY SINGLE side effect. My brain would shut off. I couldn't remember words to songs that I sang to my children every day since they were born. I even put a security lock on the inside of an opened window, so instead of my kids not being able to open the window, we weren't able to close the window. Smart, huh?
I also got the fun side-effect of having hallucinations. Let me tell you, its a bit disconcerting to be taking a shower and suddenly be soaring through a cave filled with dinosaur fossils. Or to even be taking a nap and wake up to find your room floating in water and a mermaid in your face with a sea dragon by her side. I even saw the water rippling and fish swimming around.
One of the worst side effects was that I was dizzy. This ended up with me falling down the stairs in our house twice, both times while carrying a child. One of those times I even plowed into a security gate at the base of the stairs, knocking it off the stairs and falling the rest of the down until I landed on top of the gate. Of course mother instinct had kicked in and I protected the child but I suffered from massive bruises everywhere (including on my ear).
After that I got off the depression medicine. The side effects just weren't for me. My husband is on depression meds and he doesn't get the side effects, so I'm not saying you should never take them. I'm saying judge for yourself.
Anyway, a few weeks after the last fall, I went to pick up my Juniper in the middle of the night and felt/heard a large pop in my back. I screamed. The pain was intense. The next morning I couldn't feel my right leg and any time I tried to climb the stairs it would collapse out from under me. Frank took me to the hospital where I had an MRI. I had ruptured a disc in my back. My doctor immediately recommended me to a spinal specialist.
So in April of last year, a few weeks shy of Rose turning 5, I had back surgery. My husband was left at home with an almost 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a one year old the whole time I was in the hospital. (Which he's done before and makes him even more so my hero.) When I awoke from surgery the doctor told me that when the disc had ruptured some of the debris floated down several inches and compressed my spine, which caused me to lose the feeling in my leg. I was told that I would need physical therapy, but that even then it would take a minimum of six months to a year for me to start getting feeling in my leg again.
Well, for many reasons, this last year has been really really hard. I did physical therapy for a while, but then we switched insurances and simply couldn't afford the therapy anymore. And a lot of emotional crap has happened too.
It has only been in the last month and a half that I've felt capable of getting back into the swing of things emotionally/psychologically. And only in the last few months have a started to get periodic pains in my leg to show that the nerves are starting to regenerate.
This whole time has been really hard on my kids as well. They don't understand why Mommy can't do certain things and they get really frustrated with me for it. Often times I have lost my temper because of it, wishing that they could be more compassionate for my trials. But they're just toddlers - cute ones at that. So I'm learning that as much as I struggle with patience so do my kids. And that's a hard mix to deal with.
So each day, as I'm continuing to heal physically/emotionally/psychologically I am learning to try and take a breath and calm down before a react to whatever my kids are doing/not doing. It doesn't always work. But I've also learned that a camera can come in handy. If I'm angry with the kids because I'm tired and they've drawn on the wall for the fifth time in as many months. I go grab the camera and take a picture. That allows me a chance to not instantly lash out, but try and find perspective. It also gives me blackmail photos against my kids later in life.
So if you're like me and struggling with health issues & patience while trying to be a good Mom, then make sure you take a moment to breathe. And if necessary, put your child somewhere safe for a few moments and step outside for some fresh air and perspective. Good luck. I'm rooting for you.
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