Mother's Day/Hard Day

For many years Mother's Day was a very difficult day for me. I was single, then married with no kids, then married and having miscarriages. Every Sunday I would go to church and hear these fabulous talks about how wonderful it was to be a mother. And then the little kids would get up and sing to all their mothers. There were many times that I would leave during the middle of the meeting, or simply not go because it was too painful to listen to.


The Mother's Day before I ended up pregnant with my oldest my best friend had just given birth to her first son. The sweet lady that she is knew how hard that day was for me, so she invited me over to her house where I got to hide out and play with her adorable newborn. It was a Band-Aid to my wounded heart. 


Then I found out a few month's later I had miscarried again after another fertility treatment. I was devastated. Then, surprise, suddenly I was pregnant. I gave birth to my amazing Rose a little bit before Mother's Day the following year. Everything was awesome. Then we moved away when she was only two months old.


Suddenly, I was without friends, without my parents and in a new state with a newborn. But I was a mother. I lived up those moments over the next few years when she would bring me homemade presents and sing to me on Mother's Day. But I never forgot that heartache. So when I can I try to pass forward what my friend did to me and welcome others over who also might be having a hard time.


Yesterday at church I realized that I was starting to struggle again. My Mother is in one state. My Mother-In-Law is another state. And my Mother is going through cancer. I'm also struggling with the fact that I can't have any more children.  What helped me tremendously though was a fabulous talk in church about Mother's who often are faced with guilt, shame, and worry. That we're real people with real feelings and that its important to find peace and healing within ourselves. It was the exact talk that I needed to hear. I'm so grateful.


It was also fantastic that my husband stayed home with our littlest who was seriously grumpy so that I could go with the two other kids to church. What was even more special, is that even though my daughter didn't want to go up to sing she stayed by my side and sang directly to me. "Did you hear me singing?" she'd asked after each song. She was amazing and lifted my heart and a hard day.


So my new goal to not only make sure to keep my heart and home open to others who struggle on Mother's Day, but to also be open to taking care of myself and try and heal from my previous heartaches. And thank you to all of those beautiful people who made my hard day much more wonderful.