Making Memories

When I learned that I had "signs of MS" almost two months ago my priorities were tossed out the window and the fears set in. I have way too active of an imagination and I started worrying about what would happen to my family if I died as young as my maternal grandfather did.  (Bad thing to do by the way. Never give into your imagination.)  I started realizing that if I only had 8 years to live then Rose would be only 14 when I passed away. Cyprus would be 12 and little Juniper would be 11. (Again, bad thing to think about.)

There has been one benefit though from realizing how fleeting life might be. Suddenly, life became more about making memories with my kids. So when my daughter decided she wanted to be Rarity from My Little Pony - Equestria Girls movie and that Mommy had to be Twilight Sparkled, then I decided to help make that happen. I don't normally dress up for Halloween (usually because I'm too tired getting the kids ready to even imagine what I could/should be). So I went on Pintrest (and I'm not a Pintrest-type person) and found someone who'd already come up with suggestions on how to make a little girl into a Pony whose gone to an alternate reality to become a teenage human girl. 

Last week we had a Halloween party at church and as I was helping Rose to get ready she turned to me and said, "You are the best Mommy ever!"

So is it worth it? Yes. I still don't know what is going on with my body, but no matter what I will do what I can to make memories with my kids, whether I'm here for 5 years or 50.  And that is why I will be dressing up as Twilight Sparkles and going trick or treating with my kids tonight instead of passing out candy. Because its the memories that matter most.

Happy Halloween everyone!!!

When Life Hands You Lemons

I haven't posted in almost a month because life handed me a huge barrel of lemons and I didn't know what to do with it. Last month I had an MRI of my brain because my little Juniper gave me a concussion. The MRI showed "changing white matter" which my doctor referred to as "signs of MS" (multiple sclerosis) and promptly referred me to a neurologist who couldn't see me for over a month.

The problem with that is that I have a highly active imagination and automatically thought of worst case scenario. In my research of MS I learned there are different types: recurring-remitting and progressive. Each of those types has two levels. The primary progressive type is usually diagnosed around the time you're 40.  MS is believed to be triggered by a combination of genetics and environmental impacts when you're a child. Also, MS is more prevalent in females than males.  My maternal grandfather died in his late 40s from MS.  My mom was only 12.

As you know from previous posts I have three little kids, Rose (6), Cyprus (4), and Juniper (3). My mind instantly migrated to "If I live as long as my grandfather, then I only have 8 years left with my kids. Rose would be 14." That thought spiraled me into severe depression.  My little ones are amazing and brilliant and true miracles, but with their special needs they can be overwhelming.  I worried about what would happen to them if I were to die.

Then I worried about my husband (sorry, that you came second love, but I believe you can handle more than the kids). My husband had a bad reaction to a medication change last year that sent him into his own torturous depression last year. But he is doing amazing now. I still worried though about if I died how would he handle it.

 I came to realize that my worries over my family was truly an issue of being worried about losing control over how my family is taken care of. Then my husband pointed out, "Like we really have control to start with."  When he said that I started to laugh and was able to calm down a bit.

During the last several weeks I've received special blessings (prayers from priesthood holders in our church) and prayers from friends and family. The overall feeling of love and support has been amazing and has helped me through some difficult days.  This week we finally met with the neurologist and she said that I don't look like someone with MS.  So she's scheduled more MRIs of my brain and spine, a lot of blood work, and a nerve study to try and figure out what's going on.  So I'm kind of back in limbo.

The one thing I've learned, especially in this last week, is that you can't put life on hold when life gives you lemons.  I still  have three miracle children that need their mom. I have a brilliant husband who still needs his wife and I need him.  The blessings I've received have made me feel that heaven is closer than I knew and that I'm being watched over and cared for. I'm also realizing that its okay to morn and grieve, but then you have to get up and get back to work. 

So life gave me lemons.  I'm going to throw the lemons back at life. Well maybe only half of them. Then I'm going to make some lemon bars, lemonade, and lemon-basted chicken to feed my family. Then I'm going to hug my family. Laugh with my family. And enjoy our growth together, whether it be for 8 years or 80.