Letting Go & Me Time

Last Tuesday, I felt myself stretched so thin that I practically snapped. It had been a long day and I knew that I was not handling things swell. Suddenly, trying to get the kids to bed while they screamed and fought was the last straw. I ran into my room, turned on the shower and hid, sliding to the floor. As the water pounded on me I began to sob and couldn't stop. My patient husband came in, took a look at me, and went out, bravely getting the kids through their nightly routine alone.  Then he spend the rest of the night listening to me vent and cry as he held me.


He worried that I might give up on life, but I couldn't. It was a personal choice, and one that I still had the mental faculty to make. Suicide was not an option I was willing to take.


Now, before you ask - Yes, I have been working with a counselor to help me deal with certain things in my life and to do deal with conflict and stress better. Part of that process is for me to let go of my cleaning habit. What? You heard me. I have cleaning issues.  When I'm stressed I clean. . .and clean. . . and clean, until I collapse. That's just how I deal with stress/conflict.

 

The problem is that after having three high-risk pregnancies so close together my body can't handle it. If I give into my cleaning obsession I am sick for days afterwards and completely useless to my children.

 

So my incredible counselor has been teaching me to let go and making sure I take time for me (not for me to clean, but to build). No she is not telling me to totally give up on cleaning. She is trying to teach me to prioritize what I'm doing and to not allow cleaning get in the way of being with my family, or taking time for me.

 

Now this is actually quite hard for me. Currently my parents are going through a divorce, my mom has breast cancer, I'm suffering from migraine & thyroid issues, we're learning to live within our means financially, and I have kids. Some people can handle those stresses better, and believe me I really wish I was one of those.  Now I'm not about to give up my kids (I like them too much), and I'm not giving up on my mom, and my health is my health - for what it is (I'm working on it), and it's important to learn to spend less than you make (that's just logic), and I still love my parents (no matter what - they're stuck with me). So how am I suppose to deal with all that stress AND be there for my family?

 

I have to be honest - I still cave in sometimes without knowing it and will start to clean . . . and clean . . .oh you get the point. Often I don't realize it until my husband comes up, wraps me in his arms, and asks me what I'm stressing about. So here is what I AM doing to try to improve how I let go and not get back to the point where I was on Tuesday night.

 

1) To keep my cleaning gremlins happy - I am allowed to clean at least one thing a day, but I have to know my physical/family limits.

• If I'm tired, sick, etc., I need to listen to my body and stop before the cleaning gremlins run away with me. 
• If my kids start screaming or constantly stand in my way as I'm trying to clean, that is a sign that they need some "mommy time". That's when I will read a book to them, sit on the floor and play, tickle fights, or just listen to them or hold them.  And if needed, I hand over the mop, sponge of broom, and teach my kids how to help me do the cleaning.

2) To keep my sanity I will

• Go on a regular date with my husband - Right now we are taking a six-week Archery class together.  It is fun, interesting to both of us, and gets us some much need spouse time.
• Give myself permission to read a book - Now I'm a book addict, so this is vitally important to me, though when I get going and going and going sometimes I forget that I even can read.
• Give my permission to run away (but only for a specified amount of time) - For example, this last weekend I went away for two and a half days to a writer's conference. This gave me time away from day-to-day stresses and allowed me to remember that I am an individual with goals, ideas, needs, and dreams and I need time to remember who I am.  But I always have a limit, because nothing is solved by being a permanent runaway.

I am still a work in progress. I still cave from time to time and do WAY MORE than I can or should. I will be no good to my family if I permanently incapacitate myself from over doing it.  I will still fall, after all I'm human. But what makes me remarkable is that I'm willing to get up again and keep pressing forward.


And guess what? You are remarkable too.