The Day I Did Nothing

My mom called this morning as I was getting my children ready for school. She asked, "What are you going to do today?"

"Nothing," I replied. "Today is the first day this week that all three kids have gone to school. I am going to recuperate and have some much needed down time. Besides, I have critique group tonight and want to save up my energy for that."

So what have I done today?

I did nothing but wake up an hour before my children in order to set out their breakfast, and their clothes, and establish a time frame that fits with their daily special needs routine, so that I could handle facing the day with optimism in-spite of a 6 day migraine.

I did nothing but rely on my husband for help when getting the children up and ready was more than my sleep deprived body could handle, then kissed him tenderly and whispered, "Please come home safely" as he walked out the door to catch a train to work.

I did nothing as I made sure my kids wore clothes appropriate for their schools walk-a-thon, wore sunglasses, hats, water and sent them out the door with kisses, hugs, jokes, and a prayer for their safe return.

I did nothing as I listened to religious talks on my Kindle while playing several rousing rounds of Mario Kart 8 all by myself.

I did nothing as I dug out my husband's tools and attempted the electrical feat of fixing both ceiling fans in my children's rooms while kneeling on my kids' beds on the top bunk on a knee recovering from surgery in attempt to obliterate the annoying knocking sound they produced.

I did nothing as I watched two episodes of a documentary on legendary castles of England as I sorted through old files to discard product manuals for products we haven't had in years all while icing my leg in hopes to minimize the swelling from working on the ceiling fans.

I did nothing as I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher just so we could have clean cups.

I did nothing as I moved over the load of laundry while waiting for my youngest son's bus from preschool to arrive.

I did nothing as I de-thawed and baked chicken in preparation for making chicken salad for my lunch for tomorrow.

I did nothing as I set out the trash on the back porch, eagerly waiting my husband's help at the end of the day to take it the rest of the way out to the dumpster.

I did nothing as I sat on our back porch swing eating my lunch of leftovers while watching my 4 year old practice cursive writing as we waited for my 6 year old's kindergarten bus to arrive.

I did nothing as I constantly replay the broken record of MANNERS to my children.

I did nothing as I broke up two pro-wrestling toddlers from their daily recurring matches.

I did nothing as I read a book about a librarian chasing the gingerbread man in order to get him back in his book while my son ate his lunch.

I did nothing as I continued the daily attempt at potty training my autistic kindergartner.

I did nothing as I braved getting out play-doh for my 4 yr old to hack, maim, and create, praying all the while it doesn't fall on the floor, get stepped on, or be eaten by my 6 yr old.

I did nothing as I grieved with friends and loved ones in what ways I could (though minor), hopefully relieving even an ounce of their stress and struggles as they go through watching a love one with cancer, going through a divorce, or making a major move.

I did nothing as I researched into ways to improve being a parent, a healthier eater, a kinder person, and a better writer, to deal with my ADHD and read uplifting stories on parents dealing with special needs children.

I did nothing as I worked on our finances in an attempt to make $10 last 9 days.

I did nothing as I talked on and off with my husband through instant message to coordinate, to cheer one another, and just to let him know I care.

And that is only up to lunchtime.......

From here I must do nothing so that when my daughter comes home from school I can help her check for sunburns from their walk-a-thon, keep all three kids hydrated on a warm day, while trying to explain once again why we cannot go play out front, and arguing with their logic that the backyard is not interesting enough.

To help them with their homework when every sight, sound, and touch of air distracts them and overwhelms their ability to think spiraling them into a whirlwind of emotions that they do not understand and therefore fear.

To attempt to feed my children, who will willingly starve rather than eat anything that is a combined texture, or "looks wrong". 

To hug my sweet husband as he comes home from a long commute after a long day of work. To tag team our children into taking baths.

To keep the children from fighting over the Kindles and who is not sharing this time.

Then, I can finally do nothing as I clean myself up, pull my hair back, and put on my writing hat as I go off to critique group where dragons are born and darlings are killed all for the benefit of weaving a hopefully brilliantly crafted story. All to be later edited in the week on the only computer available, an ancient beast in our bedroom because my laptop died a month ago. But at the same time be lifted by like minded souls with their own struggles who get my quirky antics, get my love for my family, and get me.

So yeah, I often plan on spending a day accomplishing nothing, but have you ever seen something so wonderful and beautiful and filling as keeping a family alive, hopefully flourishing, and not killing each other. I have NEVER EVER felt more exhausted & accomplished then when I am doing nothing.

Sweet Relief

Two of my little ones were hit with a chest cold this weekend and my sweet husband is on the verge of it himself. So this morning he was able to call a wonderful woman to cover for him leading music during Sacrament meeting. Then he offered to stay home with the kids so that I could attend church all by myself. When I started driving to church I started having a panic attack.  I tried to convince myself that I was going to be okay, I mean I didn't have to deal with my three kids after all.  But still, I was shaky, a bit panicked, and nearly drove home to get an anxiety pill or even to cave and just stay home.

But I still made it to church without turning around. I parked in the back so that I could make a quick getaway after the women's meeting. When I made my way up to the front foyer I saw one of these sweet sisters that I've known since we first moved into the neighborhood over five years ago. She walked up to me, took me by the hand and said, "You don't know just how much I have been thinking about you this last week."

This sweet lady held me and told me how wonderful a job I was doing with my kids and how special I must be to God for him to have sent me three such uniquely special children. Then another sister came up and the first took her by the hand and the second looked at me and said, "I've been thinking so much about you since your testimony last week."  And together this two grandmotherly women kept warming my heart with the love and sincere tender thoughts they had for me. Then they offered to watch my kids at any point so that I could have a break to run away for a hot chocolate and a walk. I told them that my kids were in school three days a week in the morning, but that I was grateful for their offer. The second sister said, "I love  taking care of special needs children." I was overwhelmed with the kind thoughts and generous hearts of these women

Then I went into the chapel to sit on our normal pew.  I figured since I was alone I would scoot to the far end so that I could share it with anyone who needed a seat. Then my deer friend who sits in front of us (her daughters are our babysitters) offered for me to join them. A few moments later an older couple came in behind us and asked if the bench were saved for anyone. I told them we usually sit there, but as I was alone I was glad for them to take the bench.  As the woman sat down she looked at me closer and said, "I've been thinking about you....."

I then had a wonderful experience in Sunday School learning much as we were introduced to studying the New Testament again this year. I was so touched and learned some things I didn't know, even though I've studied these scriptures before.  Then I went to Relief Society and was again spiritually fed.

When I got home I felt more peace than I've had in months. I gave my husband a huge kiss, and hugged my children a little closer. I put in an after lunch movie for the kids and was holding my sick Rose when the phone rang. It was the first sister from church. "So when can we babysit on Wednesday? How's 8 am - 5 pm sound?" 

My jaw dropped. I explained that my kids had school in the morning, but she still offered for her and her friend to come over in the afternoon so I could run away for some me time.  My heart is filled to the brim with love and gratitude for this day, for this experience, and for these amazing women that God has sent to me to help when times are rough.  Today I am truly blessed.
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Courage in All Shapes and Sizes

For the last several weeks I have struggled, well in all honesty since my three year old gave me a concussion, with depression and anxiety. I have panic attacks going to book club or to church activities or even being home alone with my kids, but I can be totally content out in public surrounded by strangers who don't talk to me. I freak out that I'm not going to be good enough, that in-spite of all that I learned and all that I know, that I'm going to fail.  Life can be overwhelming, especially when you feel like you are no longer in control.

But in all the panicking and the health issues and the constant ambiguousness of life I've come to see amazing things.  I see courage in other people. I saw courage in the eyes of a little girl who apologized to my daughter for something.  I see courage in my stepsons who keep placing one step in front of another, even when its hard to know which direction to travel.  I see courage in a friend who is facing a difficult past.  I see courage in family members who keep going forward even when life hands them more twists and turns than they think they can handle. 

You may or may not believe in a Heavenly Father or God. Then again you may.  I for one do, though there is so much that I do not understand.  But one thing I have learned through my trails is that I have the opportunity to learn so much from them. And during these struggles of health, worry for my family, and depression is that I am surrounded by amazing people that I can learn from.  And for one, I thank my Heavenly Father for taking such great care in introducing me to each and every individual.  I am grateful for their courage and their love and friendship.

And most of all I'm grateful for every morning and every stressful, glorious moment with my children.  I may not understand why I am going through the trails that I am, but I'm going to make sure that I learn the most while I'm here.  And I guess that means that I have my own version of courage each and every day.

Making Memories

When I learned that I had "signs of MS" almost two months ago my priorities were tossed out the window and the fears set in. I have way too active of an imagination and I started worrying about what would happen to my family if I died as young as my maternal grandfather did.  (Bad thing to do by the way. Never give into your imagination.)  I started realizing that if I only had 8 years to live then Rose would be only 14 when I passed away. Cyprus would be 12 and little Juniper would be 11. (Again, bad thing to think about.)

There has been one benefit though from realizing how fleeting life might be. Suddenly, life became more about making memories with my kids. So when my daughter decided she wanted to be Rarity from My Little Pony - Equestria Girls movie and that Mommy had to be Twilight Sparkled, then I decided to help make that happen. I don't normally dress up for Halloween (usually because I'm too tired getting the kids ready to even imagine what I could/should be). So I went on Pintrest (and I'm not a Pintrest-type person) and found someone who'd already come up with suggestions on how to make a little girl into a Pony whose gone to an alternate reality to become a teenage human girl. 

Last week we had a Halloween party at church and as I was helping Rose to get ready she turned to me and said, "You are the best Mommy ever!"

So is it worth it? Yes. I still don't know what is going on with my body, but no matter what I will do what I can to make memories with my kids, whether I'm here for 5 years or 50.  And that is why I will be dressing up as Twilight Sparkles and going trick or treating with my kids tonight instead of passing out candy. Because its the memories that matter most.

Happy Halloween everyone!!!

Learning to Live With the Unknown

For the last two years our family has been given diagnosis after diagnosis. We've been doing our best to accept and deal with each one as they come. There are days that are easier than others. So far, we've been told Rose has Sensory Processing Disorder, that Cyprus has Autism, and that Juniper possibly as ADHD, Autism, and Pediatric Airway Disorder. And that's just the kids.

In the last two years I had to have back surgery due to a ruptured disc from picking up my son, heart-rate problems, chronic migraines, dislocated ribs and collarbone, extended family illnesses and divorces, and recently we were told that I might be suffering from multiple sclerosis.

The chaotic-ness of life has triggered depression and anxiety for me, and upped the anti for my husband as well (for a great blog post about what its like dealing with depression click here; https://randommormonmusings.wordpress.com/2014/08/13/on-depression-and-suicide/).

The greatest difficulty in dealing with all the ups-and-downs, and waiting times for various specialists (for us and the kids) is to never give up. It's not exactly "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps."  It's realizing that, even in the midst of a lot of crap, there are still beautiful things happening. I still fall down. I still have my moments where I curl in a ball literally and break down sobbing. And I still detest the ambivalence that comes with waiting for firm diagnosis. But there are a lot more positive things that I've learned or remembered:

- I love naps.

- I love the quiet

- I love dark chocolate

- I love really complex books

- I love to write teenage angsty stories

- I love the sound of my children's laughter

- I love getting to know extended family again

- I love the power of prayer on a person's soul

- I love my husband more than life itself

- I love volunteering at the library

- I love painted toenails

- I love clouded skies and green grass

- I love my children's hugs

- I love locked doors

- I love Zupas salads & Wisconsin Cauliflower Soup

- I love Cravings Bakery in Pleasant Grove and their gluten-free cupcakes

- I love clean sheets

- I miss going to church on a regular basis

- I love to make up songs about everything

- I love listening to scriptures on my MP3 player in my car

- I love jazz music

- I still dislike doing genealogy, but love learning about the individual stories (go figure that one out)

- And I have amazing friends


So even though life has been insane for the last two years, there are still a lot of little things that make my life beautiful just the way it is. 

Every Day Heroes

My sweet Rose is struggling figuring out how to cope with several trials our family has experienced lately. As a result, her teacher tells me that she is often weepy in class. I explained to Rose's teacher what was happening in our family and she told me that she was planning on changing up the seating anyway and did I know of anyone who would be a calming influence for my daughter.  Two names came to mind and I passed them onto the teacher.

A few days later I saw one of these kids' mom at church and talked to her. I told her what was going on and that I had recommended her daughter as a calming influence and someone Rose could sit by for help.  I asked her if that was okay.  I am so grateful she said yes. In fact, the discussion led to scheduling a playdate for the very next day so that the girls could spend more time outside of class and learn to be there for each other.

This morning I walked with the kids to school because Cyprus and Juniper don't have preschool on Mondays. Poor Rose kept getting upset and beating herself up verbally the whole way to school. When we got to school Rose got in line and we waited with her trying to help her calm down.  Then this wonderful friend showed up and asked Rose to stand next to her in line.  Immediately they started talking and laughing and planning on what they were going to do for their play date after school.

I am really grateful for an incredible teacher who listens and understands. I'm grateful for a friend who lifts and supports me. And I'm grateful that her daughter could be friends with my daughter and immediately take it upon herself to look out for Rose.  She even promised she would help Rose by studying the spelling words with her. 

I am truly surrounded by every day heroes.

Today's Win

Ever since I had Juniper, nearly three years ago, it has been a slow progression getting to a point where I feel like I could "handle" things again.  Once I hit three kids (and long before I knew all three were special needs) I found it difficult to let my kids go play outside. For one thing the kids now outnumbered the parents.  We simply didn't have enough hands.  For another thing its hard to watch one kid sneak behind the nearby buildings while another is running into the busy street and the third is randomly walking into our neighbors houses.

In all honesty it was a bit overwhelming for me.  Plus, for a while I was going through postpartum depression that did nothing to help the situation. Then throw in back surgery for good measure.  Usually I would wait until my husband got home and asked him to take the kids outside.  He was better at not freaking out over whatever our kids were doing.  He was more calm and collected and kept better tabs over our motley crew.

Well, today was a win for me because I let all three kids out front this morning into the communal grassy area to play.  I even brought out their toddler slide and popped up a blanket and pillow in the shade for me to keep a careful I on them.  My eyes still darted nervously around the common area and I still had to call for Juniper when he wondered to close to the road (my neighbor and I were totally astounded when he actually listened and came back without me having to chase him down). 

We were actually out there for at least an hour or longer and I'm still mentally sane and didn't lose any children in the process.  I would call that a WIN on my part.  Now time for some celebratory chocolate and maybe a nap.  ;-)

Teaching Gratitude

This last few days I have been struggling and praying to know how to improve as a mother. I'm actually a fairly good mom, but I want to be a better one.  I've noticed with Rose especially that she has been getting upset over everything. Part of that is because of how she processes/doesn't process her senses. She frequently gets emotionally confused and overloaded and ends up screaming "I'll never ever get to do (enter object or activity here) ever again."  Then she runs to her room and slams the door.  A few minutes later she will come down and apologize profusely in hopes that that will solve everything.  I keep telling her that I'm grateful that she says she is sorry, but I need her to show me that she is sorry but striving to be better.

Teaching how to "be better" is hard when you're trying to explain it to any kid, but especially those with special needs. I often wonder how much my kids actually understand of what I'm trying to teach them.  They hear differently, their brains are wired uniquely. They understand in their own way. 

So my new tactic is to try and teach Rose of the wonderful people and things that she already has in her life. To change from focusing on what she doesn't or can't have and instead focus on being glad for what she does have.

Two days ago I told her to spend a day thinking about five things that she was happy about or happy to have. Then when we would meet the next night for personal prayers I would tell her 5 things I was grateful for and she could tell me 5 things that she was happy for and together that would be 10 whole things.

Here is the list that she came up with:

- I'm happy for bunny (her stuffed rabbit)
- I'm grateful for my Pokémon book with bulbasaur in it
- I'm glad that I have friends
- I'm glad for my toys
- I'm glad for you Mommy


Here was my list:

- I'm grateful for blankets to tuck you in at night
- I'm grateful for a car that gets us to church, school, exercise, and to the store
- I'm grateful for my daughter who teaches me to be better
- I'm grateful for your daddy for he makes me smile
- I'm grateful for food on our table


Our plan is that each night we will keep tell each other five new things that we each are grateful for or make us happy. Hopefully it will help us learn to see more of the beauty in life and each other instead of both of us focusing on the things that frustrate both of us about each other. I believe its the right step for each of us at this time.

New Ways to Watch Movies

My family has a tradition that on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day (as long as it isn't Sunday) we will go see a movie at the theater. That's just what we did since I was a teenager. We rarely hung out with extended family.  My husband and I carried that tradition over into our married life as well. Until we had kids.


One thing I swiftly learned with Rose and Cyprus is that we probably will never go to see a movie at the movie theatre until they are much, much older.  They cannot/will not sit through an entire movie, let alone be quite for one. As a result Frank and I have learned to wait until movies come out on Netflix or Redbox to watch it (except on those rare occasions that we can save up for a babysitter + the cost of a movie).


The problem with watching a movie on DVD or instant streaming is that we either assume we are not going to hear most of the movie amongst the commotion of our rambunctious house hold, especially if the movie doesn't catch the kids' attention within 2 minutes.  We're pretty safe with the Toy Story movies or the Monsters Inc./University movies.  I've often tried to show my kids some of the classic Disney movies, but its only been within the last six months that Rose has even been keen on watching Cinderella or  Sleeping Beauty.


I've loved the movie Brave ever since it came out on DVD (first time I go to watch). I've been trying to get my kids to watch it and every time they either pitch a fit or turn off the DVD player. Until today. I started watching it while Cyprus and Rose were at school. It still had about 20 minutes left to go when their bus pulled up outside. After watching the end of the movie I went to switch it out and Rose yelled, "No. Now I have to watch the beginning."


This is the second time something like that has happened in the last week. So I guess the trick with my particular kids is to show them the end first, then they'll watch the rest.  Sounds horrible to me, like reading the last chapter of a book before you take the journey through the story. But hey, to each their own.

Don't Go It Alone

Being a Mom is hard work and in all honesty there are some days that I just break down and cry. There have been a lot of these days lately with struggles with my Mom's cancer, my parents' ensuing divorce, and trying to communicate with two specially created kids and one beautifully terrible two toddler. Oh and through in being on experimental levels of hormone therapy and you have an amazing time bomb waiting to happen.


Usually when I'm that stressed I turn to chocolate, but for now, for health reasons, I am on a highly restricted diet that makes it hard to do emotional eating. Which is good, right? Right?  I'm still debating that.


So when food isn't an option, and probably even if it is, its important to lean on family and friends. We have no family living near us and my best friend is several states away (definitely out of hug reach). As such, I find solace in my church friends/family and, funny enough, through Facebook. I have an amazing support group and when I'm down they tend to say (or type) the right thing that I need to hear at that moment.


For example, my daughter is like me (poor girl), if she's tired or hungry then she's irritable. And now that she's six I can see that when she is not handling life well, it is for one of these reasons. But how do you get a six year old to understand that her Mom is the same way?  I haven't found out this trick yet.


Another example, my sweet Autistic four year old does not seem to get "no" or any idea of limits. He also sees no barriers. If he can't reach something that he think looks interesting he will work tirelessly at creating methods of trying to get it until he does.  In fact, I think I need someone to design me an autistic centered-child proof house.  We also have a water table out back for the kids to play with. This kid is so creative that he's decided that his sister's stuffed dolphin and whales need to take a swim. No matter how many times or ways that I try to help him understand that stuffed animals aren't meant to take a dive I will still find a wet dolphin or whale laying on the grass next to/or sometimes still in the water table.


And then there's my little Juniper. He is an amazing two year old and he's good at it, but he's still humorous and huggable. But last week I went away for a couple days to a writer's convention and ever since I got back he hits me, on and off through the entire day to get back at me for leaving. And if he doesn't get his well he will bodily throw himself on the floor flailing in an artistic tantrum.


I love these kids more than my life. I wouldn't trade them for anything. But that doesn't change the fact that sometimes they are hard to deal with.  There are even some days I feel like a non-entity--like I'm their mommy-cyborg.  After a day of dealing with that I just want to sit down and cry (and often do).


That's when I talk to my friends, call my mom or mom-in-law, or post a request for advice on Facebook (especially the Autistic Support Group), and cry on my husband's shoulder.  If you have good friends/family they will say the thing that will give you the momentum to pick yourself up and to keep going. So please, don't ever try to endure being a Mom alone, even if you are a single Mom. Look for those around you that can provide the support you need to keep going. We're all in it together, one way or another.  Good luck - and could someone eat some chocolate for me please?