Sunday, April 5, 2015

Bubblesnot

There are days. . . oh man are there days. . . (whether or not your kids are special needs) when they just push you too far. Sometimes I make good choices and handle things surprisingly well considering. That's when I often get a little too cocky and say, "You got this thing."

Then there are days where you call for a "do-over".  I think that's today for me.

My kids sent me into SPD overload today and I didn't handle it well. My daughter was specifically doing negative things to get a reaction out of me (and honestly I know this is what kids just do because they are kids, but I just don't get it).  After Rose received her consequence I felt horrible because I went overboard in my reaction. That's when I have to take a moment to look inward and say, "Okay was that handled well or was that all wrong."  After a really long day of pushing buttons I know I could have handled the situation heaps better.

Once I was able to step back and calm down I went back into her room, sat down on the floor with her and we talked.  We talked about what happened, what was good, what needed improvement on both of our parts.  Then we came up with a code word -- Bubblesnot. When I'm helping her to do something that she knows she can do herself than she is supposed to say, "Hey Mom--Bubblesnot!"  That's when I know I need to step back and just let her do it so that she gets the practice and realize that she can be responsible.   Then again, if she is balking at doing something without my help when I know perfectly well that she can do it herself I am supposed to say, "Hey Rose--Bubblesnot!"  Then she'll know that I believe in her and that she can do it.

We both apologized to each other, sang a few songs, and then we both said prayers.

I know some people say I apologize to my kids too often, but there's something in my soul that makes me want my kids to know that I'm human too and that we're both learning as we go, but together we can accomplish anything. I also apologized in my prayers to God because I believe that she was his child first and that he entrusted her into my care. When I have a mommy fail moment I feel he deserves an apology too so he knows that I'm not giving up and that I do see her as a precious gift from him.  Hopefully, each step we take in the process will help us grow together and closer to heaven.  I want my kids to know that family does really matter and that everyone deserves being treated with respect, even children.


Thursday, April 2, 2015

When Mom Is The One With Needs

Last September my little Juniper gave me a concussion. As a result my doctor sent me to the hospital for an MRI. They found more than injuries from my concussion. They found several locations of "changing white matter" which are "signs of MS (multiple sclerosis - which my grandfather died from when my mom was a pre-teen). Between all the new doctor appointments I faced and dealing with my kids several doctors decided that I needed to be on depression medicine to better cope with what I was going through.

At the time I agreed with them.

Over the last six months we have learned many things about me and my children (after many many doctors visits):

1) Juniper is struggling with Primary Communications Delay and Aggressive Behavior. But he is a very empathetic kid when he can see beyond his special needs.
2) Rose has Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD.
3) We're waiting for the official write up, but when talking with the specialist, Cyprus is Autistic with sensory issues and  communication delays.
4) Depression medicine is bad for mommy.

I had briefly been on depression medicine for post partum depression after having Juniper. I had to get off of it because (depending on the brand) it either gave me a completely foggy brain to where I was doing things like putting the window child-safety locks so that the kids couldn't close windows instead of not being able to open them OR I had full-blown hallucinations.  This time around I started binge eating and gained 20 pounds in the last two months after having lost 50-60 the previous year.  I also cried all the time and wanted to sleep all the time. 

The last time I went to the doctor I asked him to take me off and he agreed.  Then, because of my reaction to depression medicine, he had me fill out a questionnaire and it turns out that I had ADHD, just like my Rose. So the doctor set me up with a transition period where I would wean off the depression medicine and start on the ADHD medicine.

It was night and day.  I don't know if it was simply being off the depression medicine or the added combination of being on ADHD medicine.  I was happy. I was singing at the top of my lungs and dancing around the house.  I could handle things once again. I even took my boys outside to play for four hours, whereas during the previous life there was no way I could handle it unless my husband was there to help, and sometimes not even then.  I got to see neighbors that I hadn't seen in months and meet neighbors who have apparently lived her for a long time and I had never met them.  I was even taking care of things around the house that had needed to be done for longer than 6 months that I couldn't bring myself to face.  I was productive. I was happy. I was able to help my kids. I had answers. It was great. 

Only one problem. . . when you have lived nearly 40 years and always been diagnosed with the wrong thing there is a transition time when your body has to catch up with your spirit. I have SO completely over done it since being on the new medication that my body has been having muscle spasms for three days now (even in my hands). Then, yesterday my Rose turned 7. So I made sure the house was cleaned (but I cleaned the entire house, including vacuuming every room and the stairs. I mopped everything I could mop. I decorated her a My Little Pony cake. I went to the store to get things for her favorite dinner - chicken nuggets and fries.

Then the boys came home from preschool.  Yeah. SOOOOOOO.  I got them fed. We played a bit. Then we went upstairs for quiet time. Now, Cyprus has a habit of when he's done being in his room he escapes. He hurdles fences, runs downstairs, etc.  To say the least, Quiet Time is usually the least quiet and least restful of times for this mommy.  So yesterday I decided that I would stay in the hallway to keep an eye on him while reorganizing my linen closet (and hopefully find the Kindle that disappeared two weeks ago).  By the time I was done with that he still wasn't asleep. So I organize the bathroom cupboard in the kids' bathroom. Then I organized the closet in the second bedroom. When he still wasn't asleep after that I went into my room and started folding and putting away ALL of the laundry. Then I started organizing my tornado of a walk-in closet.

Cyprus never napped and neither did Juniper. So finally we went downstairs and put in a movie for the kids while I did more work upstairs.  Then I got Rose from her friend's house after school and while she and her daddy went bowling for her birthday I attempted to decorate the house, with the help of two special needs boys who have a different understanding of helpful than I do.  They tried to force balloons in my mouth while I was still blowing up others.  Then Cyprus took the hand soap from the bathroom and started pumping it into my hair.  At first I thought he was just playing with it, until I found the goop sliding throughout my hair.  I started sobbing.

I still worked at decorating but everything fell a part from there.  The birthday sign wouldn't stay up, or the boys helped it come down, and I couldn't find thumbtacks to use to keep it up. And the boys lovingly wouldn't leave me alone. It became to the point were my sensory issues totally overloaded and I couldn't even handle the thought of being touched.  I ran upstairs, took a shower and curled up on the floor of the shower crying and praying for God to help me calm down so I could not take away from my daughter's special day.

Finally I got dressed and tried to wrap Rose's presents, but all I could find was double sided tape that didn't want to stick. I got to the point I just started wrapping the tape in circles around the presents. Then I went downstairs and tried to clean the living room, but I just sobbed while my sweet Juniper tried to console me, but I couldn't handle being touched. Then I tried to get out the paint pen to decorate the windows and I broke the lid so that pink paint spilled all over my door mat. Juniper didn't want me to work on dinner, though he wanted to eat. Cyprus wanted to jump on me as I past by, but then my muscles were screaming. I went ahead and took my anxiety pills that I'm only supposed to take when things get beyond what I could handle.

When my husband called to say they were done bowling and did I want him to come straight home or to go get the candles for the cake I plead for him to come home because I wasn't doing well. I had just taken the dinner out of the oven when he walked home. I started sobbing and hyperventilating again so bad that my stomach started cramping with incredibly sharp pains. I fell to the ground and my kids wanted to help and hold me but I couldn't handle it. Frank helped me to the couch were I lay and he gave me a special prayer to help me through. 

Once I calmed down I went to the store did get the candles so that I could get a break (and I got me something to eat, since I'm not supposed to eat chicken nuggets or fries).  Then I could handle the rest of the day (except every muscle in body screamed bloody murder for what I'd put it through).

So here is what I have learned.

1) There is a transition time period that occurs in your body when switching medications and it can be a veritable minefield as to what might happen during that time.
2) When your body has been treated for the wrong thing for 40 years there is no way your body is ready to immediately pick up where it should decades ago once you are on the right medicine.
3) Depending on what your body needs and what medicine you are on you're body may start communicating its needs to you in a manner totally different than what you are used to.
4) Be kind to you. You need a break.


A morning later and I'm okay (other than feeling like I ran a marathon). I'm going to take things easier today and strive to learn my body's new language so that I don't over do it like I did yesterday.  And I am so grateful for a family that sticks by me when I'm the one falling apart.