When Life Hands You Lemons

I haven't posted in almost a month because life handed me a huge barrel of lemons and I didn't know what to do with it. Last month I had an MRI of my brain because my little Juniper gave me a concussion. The MRI showed "changing white matter" which my doctor referred to as "signs of MS" (multiple sclerosis) and promptly referred me to a neurologist who couldn't see me for over a month.

The problem with that is that I have a highly active imagination and automatically thought of worst case scenario. In my research of MS I learned there are different types: recurring-remitting and progressive. Each of those types has two levels. The primary progressive type is usually diagnosed around the time you're 40.  MS is believed to be triggered by a combination of genetics and environmental impacts when you're a child. Also, MS is more prevalent in females than males.  My maternal grandfather died in his late 40s from MS.  My mom was only 12.

As you know from previous posts I have three little kids, Rose (6), Cyprus (4), and Juniper (3). My mind instantly migrated to "If I live as long as my grandfather, then I only have 8 years left with my kids. Rose would be 14." That thought spiraled me into severe depression.  My little ones are amazing and brilliant and true miracles, but with their special needs they can be overwhelming.  I worried about what would happen to them if I were to die.

Then I worried about my husband (sorry, that you came second love, but I believe you can handle more than the kids). My husband had a bad reaction to a medication change last year that sent him into his own torturous depression last year. But he is doing amazing now. I still worried though about if I died how would he handle it.

 I came to realize that my worries over my family was truly an issue of being worried about losing control over how my family is taken care of. Then my husband pointed out, "Like we really have control to start with."  When he said that I started to laugh and was able to calm down a bit.

During the last several weeks I've received special blessings (prayers from priesthood holders in our church) and prayers from friends and family. The overall feeling of love and support has been amazing and has helped me through some difficult days.  This week we finally met with the neurologist and she said that I don't look like someone with MS.  So she's scheduled more MRIs of my brain and spine, a lot of blood work, and a nerve study to try and figure out what's going on.  So I'm kind of back in limbo.

The one thing I've learned, especially in this last week, is that you can't put life on hold when life gives you lemons.  I still  have three miracle children that need their mom. I have a brilliant husband who still needs his wife and I need him.  The blessings I've received have made me feel that heaven is closer than I knew and that I'm being watched over and cared for. I'm also realizing that its okay to morn and grieve, but then you have to get up and get back to work. 

So life gave me lemons.  I'm going to throw the lemons back at life. Well maybe only half of them. Then I'm going to make some lemon bars, lemonade, and lemon-basted chicken to feed my family. Then I'm going to hug my family. Laugh with my family. And enjoy our growth together, whether it be for 8 years or 80. 

What is Normal?

I am used to doing things abnormally in my life. I mean I rode an exercise bike when I was a teenager only to have the bolt fall out of the seat. I promptly fell backwards onto the floor and crushed the vertebrae in my upper back.  Who does something weird like that?  Me, of course.

Well, I had a really rough weekend taking a road trip with my amazing, sweet, adorable special needs kids.  The trip was great. The ride home, not so much.  The trip threw my kids out-of-sync and messed with their routines. When that happens its really easy for them to get upset.

We got home from our trip Saturday night and Sunday we stayed at home to recover at celebrate little Juniper's 3rd birthday a day late. But because he was already out of sync Juniper was grumpy all day and would throw things at me (his go to method of showing frustration for the last several months).  When Juniper decided not to eat his birthday cupcakes (Despicable Me Minions) we decided to give them to friends and neighbors.  I hopped in the car to take some over to a friend only to realize my car smelled like pee from some potty accidents during out trip.  When I got home I took out all the car seats and took off their covers to give them a good cleaning.

While they were being washed I had Cyprus' booster seat sitting on the couch. Juniper kept playing with the seat while jumping up and down on the couch. After a while he was getting tired and grumpy and started kicking me in the shoulder. When I wouldn't react he upped the ante and picked up Cyprus' car seat and threw it at my head. (I know have a concussion and got to experience an MRI of my brain today as a result.)

Between that and having dislocated my collar bone trying to give things to kids in the backseat while on our trip, I decided to visit my friendly, local neighborhood chiropractor for an adjustment.  While adjusting me, my chiropractor asked me to lift my legs to see if I was having any difficulties with my lower spine. I couldn't lift my right one while laying on my tummy at all.  After a few more tries I told him that it felt like my knee had locked up. 

"Hmm, that's odd."

He felt around a bit and realized I was right and he had to adjust my knee as well as my back.  I made mention at the time "I don't do things normal."

He had the best response I had ever heard.  "I don't believe there is any such thing as normal.  Normal is more like an average than a specific state of mind."

I LOVE THAT!!!!  So who cares if you aren't normal. That just means you aren't average and there is nothing wrong with that.  Enjoy doing things in your own unique way and stop trying to "fit" in.  You're amazing the way you are.

#2 is Out of Here + Paranoid Mommy Smiling

Lest you think that #2 is in relations to the bathroom you can relax.  My second child, Cyprus started pre-school today.  So that makes two down and one to go.  On a day when I'm struggling with dislocated ribs, a migraine, a sinus infection and a dislocated collar bone, it was a huge relief to have him go off to school.

As for the paranoia update, well because Cyprus started school today I needed to be home to get him on the bus. However, I've been walking with Rose to and from school for the last week making sure she was used to the routine before I forced myself to let go and trust the other awesome kids to get her there.  Oh my was that ever hard for me.  With her Sensory Processing Disorder it is easily for things to distract her. She doesn't do it intentionally, its just how her brain is wired.  But I trust the older girl who is walking with her and I needed to teach Rose to take responsibility.

Having said that, I dropped Rose off at my friend's house so that her daughter, and a few other kids could walk to school together. Then, as I rushed home, I prayed for her safety and success. A few minutes later the bus for the special needs preschool showed up. I stood back as Cyprus climbed aboard and immediately took the same seat he had last year. Though I waved and said my goodbyes and love you's, he failed to even look at me once. He was set and eager to go.

Once he was gone I called and made an appointment with the chiropractor to deal with my own out of sync body. On the way I detoured over to the elementary school. . . just to make sure that Rose had gotten there safely and was lined up where she was supposed to be.  From the street I couldn't see her as her class lines next up to all the Kindergartners starting their very first day of school.  So, being the paranoid mom I am, I parked the car and snuck up to the school until I could actually see her, while simultaneously staying out of sight so she wouldn't notice me.   I was so relieved, happy, excited, overjoyed, emotionally ecstatic. You name it. I am proud.  And over the moon for my angel helpers watching over my daughter. 

So double happy dance going on for this mom.  Two kids in school and safe with good people surrounding them.  And the necessary doctors visits done and medication in my system to help me recover.  Now I just need to get little Juniper's fine/gross motor skills test out of the way later this week and then, hopefully, he'll get to start school two weeks from today. 

Then, I'll just pass out in utter delirium.

Doctor Visits

I took Cyprus to the doctor today. We've had this weird sinus pressure/runny nose thing going around the house.  I've got it full blown and am down for the count. Juniper's turned into an ear infection and Rose has had a runny nose.  So since Cyprus starts school tomorrow at the special needs preschool I needed to make sure that if he did have an infection he'd be able to take the antibiotic for a day before starting school.

The funny thing about Cyprus is he always surprises me.  Whatever I expect him to do he rarely does, but not necessarily in a bad way. I had taken Juniper to the doctor on Friday and had to hold him as he fought to get free during the check up (granted he ended up having an ear infection).  With Cyprus he ran to get on the scales to be weighed. When the nurse took his temperature, he grabbed the oxygen meter and put it on his finger correctly. Then when we got back in the room he started taking deep breaths even though the doctor wasn't there to listen to his lungs yet.  When the nurse went to tell the doctor we were ready Cyprus called after her and said, "Thank you."

Our pediatrician likes to give the kids their own tongue depressor to hold and play with during the exam. With Juniper he immediately threw it on the floor. With Cyprus he opened his mouth, pressed his tongue down with the stick and said, "Ahhhhh."  What a remarkable kid. And it was wide enough for the doctor to get a great look at Cyprus's throat.

And after all that the doctor said his ears and throat are not infected and that he is not contagious. So he is cleared to start school tomorrow. Hip hip hooray!!!! Apparently though if a runny nose lasts more than two weeks you should have your child checked out again just to make sure it hasn't turned into a sinus infection.  Huh, now I know.

Trusting Yourself

This post is more about me than my wonderful family, however it can apply when having to deal with specialists or doctors regarding anyone.  In recent months my heart has been beating faster than normal, they call it tachycardia, but the doctors have been unable to narrow down the root cause.

"It may be this. . . "

"Or it may be that. . . "

"You should give up these medications. . . "

"Oh but the repercussions would be bad if you gave up those medication. . . "


What it comes down to is listening to my mother-in-law who told me to listen to myself.   I know my family. I know me and my history. As brilliant as doctors and specialists are they don't know me as well as I do.  If something about their opinion doesn't "feel" right or sit well with you, then listen to your heart and trust your instincts.

So I'm going to trust myself and keep doing what I'm doing to get healthier.

As for my kids I once had someone tell me they though little Juniper was "normal", but I'm glad I listened to my heart these last few months. Whether or not he was "normal" when they saw him he is delayed now. So I'm glad that I listened to my heart and followed through on getting the help that I need.

So in the end trust your heart, your instincts, your conscience. . .whatever you call it, and go forth and conquer with no fear.