I haven't posted in almost a month because life handed me a huge barrel of lemons and I didn't know what to do with it. Last month I had an MRI of my brain because my little Juniper gave me a concussion. The MRI showed "changing white matter" which my doctor referred to as "signs of MS" (multiple sclerosis) and promptly referred me to a neurologist who couldn't see me for over a month.
The problem with that is that I have a highly active imagination and automatically thought of worst case scenario. In my research of MS I learned there are different types: recurring-remitting and progressive. Each of those types has two levels. The primary progressive type is usually diagnosed around the time you're 40. MS is believed to be triggered by a combination of genetics and environmental impacts when you're a child. Also, MS is more prevalent in females than males. My maternal grandfather died in his late 40s from MS. My mom was only 12.
As you know from previous posts I have three little kids, Rose (6), Cyprus (4), and Juniper (3). My mind instantly migrated to "If I live as long as my grandfather, then I only have 8 years left with my kids. Rose would be 14." That thought spiraled me into severe depression. My little ones are amazing and brilliant and true miracles, but with their special needs they can be overwhelming. I worried about what would happen to them if I were to die.
Then I worried about my husband (sorry, that you came second love, but I believe you can handle more than the kids). My husband had a bad reaction to a medication change last year that sent him into his own torturous depression last year. But he is doing amazing now. I still worried though about if I died how would he handle it.
I came to realize that my worries over my family was truly an issue of being worried about losing control over how my family is taken care of. Then my husband pointed out, "Like we really have control to start with." When he said that I started to laugh and was able to calm down a bit.
During the last several weeks I've received special blessings (prayers from priesthood holders in our church) and prayers from friends and family. The overall feeling of love and support has been amazing and has helped me through some difficult days. This week we finally met with the neurologist and she said that I don't look like someone with MS. So she's scheduled more MRIs of my brain and spine, a lot of blood work, and a nerve study to try and figure out what's going on. So I'm kind of back in limbo.
The one thing I've learned, especially in this last week, is that you can't put life on hold when life gives you lemons. I still have three miracle children that need their mom. I have a brilliant husband who still needs his wife and I need him. The blessings I've received have made me feel that heaven is closer than I knew and that I'm being watched over and cared for. I'm also realizing that its okay to morn and grieve, but then you have to get up and get back to work.
So life gave me lemons. I'm going to throw the lemons back at life. Well maybe only half of them. Then I'm going to make some lemon bars, lemonade, and lemon-basted chicken to feed my family. Then I'm going to hug my family. Laugh with my family. And enjoy our growth together, whether it be for 8 years or 80.
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