Friday, May 30, 2014

Happy Dance - Last Day of School

I'm so weird. I've been so hyper this morning singing out "Last day of school. Last day of school. Hooray Hurrah" but its not why you think.  I am actually terrified of summer with its two and a half months of three little kids at home.


I love and adore my kids. They are amazing, brilliant, talented and very strong willed and I'm a person who sucks at conflict.


When I learned that two of my kids were showing developmental delays I went through lots of guilt wondering if somehow I caused it. But thanks to an awesome psychologist working with the Kids on the Move program I learned that I wasn't helping anyone, especially me or my kids, by figuring out who was to blame.  So I started focusing on what I could do to help my kids thrive in life. And in the end that meant getting them into the special needs preschool.

When we first met with the teacher and her team of fantastic therapists I felt a sudden relief and immediately thanked them for the help I knew they were going to provide. Now someone who knew what they were doing could teach my kids in a way that they would understand.  I'm glad to help the teachers in anyway and to work with my kids at home as I can, but they're the experts and I love them.


One of the awesome side effects of having the kids accepted into the preschool was that my kids got to start going to school when they were three instead of five. As such I have been totally spoiled during the school year. It has given me a few much needed hours to regroup myself and to spend time with Juniper.


So then why I am so ecstatic that today is the last day of school when I won't have those hours of respite anymore.  Because Rose just completed kindergarten which means. . . . she gets to start first grade next year, which means . . . she will be in school all day.  YEAH!!!!!!  With people trained to teach her in a way that she can connect with.  DOUBLE YEAH!!!!!!   And she gets to be in a class with some of the same friends she met this year.  TRIPLE YEAH!!!!!  (angels singing in the background).


Happy last day of school everyone. And here's to the first day of school in August.  I'm so looking forward to meeting you.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Art Work of All Types

Funny Moment by Choice -


My Juniper and I went to the grocery store today since its the last day I can go before the older kids are out of school for the summer. While I was unloading the groceries onto the conveyor belt and figuring out the items that qualify for ad match Juniper got a hold of the pen I was using to check off my grocery list.


First he started with his shirt. When that didn't work to well he took to drawing on his legs. At that point I didn't really care. He had been patient the whole long shopping trip and I was busy trying to figure out how to reload the cart and pay the cashier.


Suddenly I look up and Juniper had is leg sticking straight up in the air. He had run out of room on the front of his legs so he opted to draw all over his calves, followed by the bottom of his feet.  The cashier and I both broke out laughing. Juniper was concentrating so hard and being very serious about the hold process.


This is one time I decided why get upset. I get to have a walking piece of art work with me. 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Swinging Work with Toddlers

I'm a writer which means I don't get paid until published, and then only based upon what is getting published. It also means that I fit in work where I can. My current projects include my story of miscarriages, co-authoring a YA Fantasy novel, writing a YA Magical Realism Novel, and plotting out a YA Sci-Fi Novel. The problem is I am a mom.


I don't regret being a mom. Its what I wanted to be more than anything. So I've been trying to figure out for the last six years how to balance two of my loves - writing and kids. It hasn't always been successful.  Today, while two of the kids were at school, I put on Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2 for Juniper and handed him my Kindle to play games. Then I spent the next two and half hours on and off reviewing story structure videos on-line and re-outlining my Magical Realism novel. I'm doing what prep work I can for a writer's retreat next month. I will have two and a half days away from my family to get as much work done as I can.


I was so involved in my work that after Rose and Cyprus got home I loaded them up with movies and games and kept on working. I was able to identify the gaps in my story and how to strengthen my character and plot arcs.  I still have two more weeks of work to plan out in order to get the optimum amount of writing done at the retreat.  My kids weren't exactly thrilled with me, but no one got injured, there was only minor fighting, and everyone got fed.  So overall I think it was a good day.  (Granted I'm sure they wouldn't be so cooperative with me if I tried this every day.)


Thanks kids. I appreciate you patience so that Mommy could accomplish so much.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

New Ways to Watch Movies

My family has a tradition that on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day (as long as it isn't Sunday) we will go see a movie at the theater. That's just what we did since I was a teenager. We rarely hung out with extended family.  My husband and I carried that tradition over into our married life as well. Until we had kids.


One thing I swiftly learned with Rose and Cyprus is that we probably will never go to see a movie at the movie theatre until they are much, much older.  They cannot/will not sit through an entire movie, let alone be quite for one. As a result Frank and I have learned to wait until movies come out on Netflix or Redbox to watch it (except on those rare occasions that we can save up for a babysitter + the cost of a movie).


The problem with watching a movie on DVD or instant streaming is that we either assume we are not going to hear most of the movie amongst the commotion of our rambunctious house hold, especially if the movie doesn't catch the kids' attention within 2 minutes.  We're pretty safe with the Toy Story movies or the Monsters Inc./University movies.  I've often tried to show my kids some of the classic Disney movies, but its only been within the last six months that Rose has even been keen on watching Cinderella or  Sleeping Beauty.


I've loved the movie Brave ever since it came out on DVD (first time I go to watch). I've been trying to get my kids to watch it and every time they either pitch a fit or turn off the DVD player. Until today. I started watching it while Cyprus and Rose were at school. It still had about 20 minutes left to go when their bus pulled up outside. After watching the end of the movie I went to switch it out and Rose yelled, "No. Now I have to watch the beginning."


This is the second time something like that has happened in the last week. So I guess the trick with my particular kids is to show them the end first, then they'll watch the rest.  Sounds horrible to me, like reading the last chapter of a book before you take the journey through the story. But hey, to each their own.

Monday, May 26, 2014

When A Child Hits

Every single one of my kids has gone through a phase where if they don't get what they want they either hit themselves or hit me. I'm sure its to get a reaction. I should probably be unemotional and deal out the required consequences. But no matter how I try it hurts my feelings when the child does it. I don't like it when they hurt themselves and I sure don't like it when they hurt me.


Hand-In-Hand Parenting suggests stopping their arm and say, "I can't let you do that." But I'm having a hard time remembering to do that at the time. I'm trying though, the problem is that it takes time for it to connect with the kids. And as I've said before my kids struggle with patience just like I do.


So, for now, I keep persevering and praying a lot that it will soon kick in with my last kid who is going through this fun phase.  If anyone has any other tips on how to get them to stop hitting that would be great. Thanks.

Friday, May 23, 2014

The Order of Life

One of the aspects of Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder that I'm still struggling to come to grips with is the order that things must happen to make sense. For me I just buckle down and do it, even if it means bouncing around from task to task. Eventually they all get done.
 


Now I'm not saying that I do it right. Everyone can do it their own way as long as it gets done. Just ask my stepsons or my husband about whether or not I make boxed Mac 'n Cheese the correct way. They all make it differently and look at me oddly when I do it my way (granted I refuse to eat the stuff).
 




Anyway, many kids with SPD and/or Autism like to organize things/activities in ways that make sense to them.  For example, Cyprus will line up anything with wheels until it stretches from one end of the room to another. The only time he really mixes things up is when he stacks the side-by-side instead of bumper to bumper.   When Kids on the Move came to our house to teach me how to work/play with him they suggested I mix things up to help him learn to see things in new ways (and possibly to learn to cope when things doing go the way you planned).  Unfortunately, I admittedly don't do it enough since they transitioned him to preschool at age 3.
 




Another example with both Rose and Cyprus is that they have issues with food. If its not the right texture, the right look, or if its touching something else they won't eat it. This makes meal times quite a struggle for me. The only things they will eat on a consistent basis are pepperoni pizza, grilled cheese sandwich, chicken nuggets and fries, pb&j, and cheese quesadillas. No, that is not what I always give them. We still feed them what we are eating, but 99 times out of 100 they would rather starve then eat it.  Good thing for multi-vitamins.   What's really annoying to me is that they used to eat all sorts of good stuff until they hit about two and half/three years of age. Rose would eat an entire avocado by herself. She would eat peas, carrots, potatoes that weren't French fries, etc. It was lovely.  But at the same age for both Cyprus and Rose they stopped eating.  I can't even give them grilled chicken or breaded chicken strips. It has to be a nugget, dinosaur, Mickey Mouse ears type of chicken (which personally after seeing Jamie Oliver's food revolution just grosses me out).
 


The other night I was tired and new that the kids wouldn't eat chicken puffs, even though I put some on their plate, so I also gave them one slice of Kraft Singles, some canned mandarin oranges, some mixed veggies and some crackers. Rose refused to eat the cheese (which is usually something she loves) because there was a crack in it and because a corner of it touched just barely the mixed veggies.  Oh no!  Her world officially came to an end.
 



I honestly am still trying to learn how to cope with these type of tantrums. To me they don't make sense, but I know for Cyprus and Rose its the only thing that does make sense. 
 




Here are a list of some of the other things that have a set pattern to my kids:
 




  • A drink must 3 ice cubes, no more no less or the drink becomes undrinkable
  • In order to brush Rose's hair I must use the "heart brush" that is from My Little Ponies, otherwise she must scream the entire event of brushing to survive (I have to admit though she has naturally curly hair and thus lots of knots)
  • You cannot change your shirt first. Pants and underwear must always precede changing the shirt and if Mommy dares to mess it up then the child must take the shirt off until things are put on in proper order.
  • A child cannot sing a bedtime song or read a bedtime story. "I'm just a little girl."
  • Must have the one odd looking chair at the table and the world ends if someone else took it.
  • Food cannot be touching.
  • Will not wipe after going to the bathroom for fear of getting stuff on hands.
  • Will not sit next to Mom when eating a salad for fear that it will contaminate them.
  • If they don't get their way than it is officially the end of the world and by George I will let everyone know it.
But there are some inventive ideas they come up with because they look at the world differently.
  • Rose is fantastic at science because of her natural curiosity.
  • Cyprus took apart my laptop keyboard when he was two.
  • Both kids love to experiment to see how things work (and it is rubbing off on their little brother  which is a good thing).
  • They love to learn and to run.
  • Rose has no fear (other than not getting her way) and is glad to say/wave hi to everyone.






It is often hard for me to deal with their unwillingness to bend, especially if I'm on a time crunch. I struggle to find the balance of enhancing what they're good at with teaching them how to cope when things don't go their way.  I love how their mind works most of the time. I'm still working on the rest. But no matter what they are all my little miracles and I'm glad that I'm their Mother. I'm pretty sure that I'm learning more from them than they are from me.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

But I'm Scared

I was an English major in college. Now this does not mean that I can spell or understand grammar (go figure that one out), and commas will forever be my nemesis but I'm finding that I have a language pet peeve when it comes to my children. If we tell our six year old its time to get in pajamas, bath time, time to clean up, etc., she starts throwing a tantrum and yelling, "But I'm scared."


It is driving me officially bonkers. And, for right or wrong, today I took a stand. After about six months of this behavior I couldn't stand it anymore. I explained to her that she was incorrectly using the word. Then I tried to help her understand the definition of scared and that it had no connection with what she is talking about. In reality, and through watching her signals, I have come to learn that she says "I'm scared" she really is saying "But I don't want to do it."


I know its nit picky on my part, but I want her to use words for what she really means, not just whatever word comes to mind.  Yes I know, its probably a losing battle against a six year old, but come on. Please just tell me what you truly mean and not what you think will get you out of what needs to be done.

Thank You. Rant over.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Be Willing to Play

Sometimes the life of a mother can be overwhelming, especially the screams of "Mom, where are you?" when all you are trying to do is go to the bathroom for five minutes. And sometimes, though I love them dearly, my kids simply don't get that Mom has feelings of her own and is tired.  For the last five out of six days are kids have been starting their day between 4:45 am - 5:30 am.  I don't know why. All I know is it makes for really long days, and often times a grumpy Mommy.


On days when my husband works from home he blesses me by watching the kids so that I can take a nap. (He is pretty remarkable, I know.)  Today was just such a day. What utter bliss it is to lock my bedroom door, put on a pair of earplugs and tune out the fighting, the wanting, and the screams.


But there is one thing I have noticed, whether or not I get a nap. On days that I'm willing to throw my hands up in the air, forget the To Do list and simply play with my kids, my day goes better. Whether its spraying them with the garden hose, lay on my back and bounce a balloon in the air, or even play a video game with them, I'm usually in a happier place.


So here's to me learning to do this more often, even on hard days. My kids look alarmed, then amazed, when I do it. We also get a lot of laughter in. The fights seem less, and my priorities a little more long term. Overall, I think its a good goal for me to work toward, especially with Summer coming.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Emotion vs. Devotion

I am an emotional person. When I get upset I clean. When I'm tired, headachy, emotional, overwhelmed, then I turn to food.  My weapon of choice is cherry Coke and anything delectable, preferably laced with chocolate or caramel. So in other words, my emotions tend to dictate how I deal with the world.


Now I'm not saying that food is bad, and cleaning isn't necessarily bad either. In fact, I think they're great things, especially if someone else is doing the cooking or cleaning.  However, I'm letting them rule my life rather than be a part of it.


For the last two Monday's for family night we've been reading through the book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures to our children. (To read my review of this book, click here: Good Pictures, Bad Pictures.)  It's a short story that opens up a discussion with your kids about the dangers of pornography.  And yet I am learning how the same ideas impact me in other ways. 


This book explains that there are two major parts to your brain - the thinking brain and the feeling brain. It explains in terms that kids can understand that the feeling brain is that part that tells your body what it needs to survive. It also kicks in the fight or flight mode and deals with rewards when you give your body what it thinks it needs to survive.  The thinking brain is the part of your mind that helps you to make decisions, especially between right and wrong. 


In  Good Pictures, Bad Pictures it talks about how pornography can trick you into becoming addicted to where your body feels like it needs it to survive. The book helps to teach that it is possible to make your thinking brain in charge and allows you to focus on the choice that is right for you.


Now what does this have to do with food and emotions? Well, for years I have allowed my feeling brain to decide that I have to have certain foods to survive my emotions. On the days that I've had little sleep and my cute trio of scientists are keeping me on my toes every waking/and not so waking moments in hopes that they don't destroy the house I turn to soda after soda and sweet treat after sweet treat.  


It's only in the last few months, especially since I've been reading this book with our kids, have I come to realize that the habit of eating or cleaning has become an addiction, a coping mechanism for me to deal with stress. It's not healthy in the fact that I always go too far. I clean until I'm incapacitated. Or I eat so much junk food that I feel so ill afterwards.


Again, the food and cleaning are not the bad things. It's my letting them control me that makes it wrong.  So I'm learning to let my thinking brain be in charge. For the last three weeks I have been working with this amazing friend of mine who is a nutritionist who has become my mentor.  She is teaching me to eat the foods that give me the most benefits, and helps reduce the natural bloating that some foods cause. At first I was doing it simply to lose the weight, and it aligned with what my doctor wanted me to do anyway. But now I'm learning just how much I have given into emotional eating in the past.


I've been working since the beginning of the year to start drinking more water (especially since dehydration is an instant migraine trigger for me) and to eat more veggies.  Slowly I started losing some weight. Then, for the last three weeks, I've been on a cleanse to kind of clean out my system and push me towards eating even better. Because of this I've gone without bread/gluten, dairy, processed sugar and grains (except brown rice, quinoa and oats). In that time I've learned just exactly how much I put cheese on everything. I've also learned that I don't really need dressing on salad and if I do I don't need more than about a teaspoon.  I've also learned that one meal at McDonalds can use my entire daily amount of calories, fat, carbs and sodium.  But since I've started eating clean I eat a ton more food and rarely reach my daily limits.


This time has also pointed out to me exactly how often I turn to junk food. I've found myself so often reaching for a cookie, soda, or something else only to stop and let my thinking brain tell me that I don't really need to eat that.


Now I don't think I will permanently 100% be this strict. The current program is for 8 weeks. But I am using this program to teach me how good being in charge of your own health can feel.  Even when I'm done I will not go back to putting cheese on absolutely everything. I will also devote myself to not giving into stress cravings. And I will not turn to soda for instant energy. I will still allow myself decadent desserts, but more sparingly and well planned instead of knee-jerk reaction.  And when I do eat the desserts I will promise to myself to enjoy it thoroughly (per recommendation of my counselor) and then move more afterwards.


So in the end I am learning the power of self. The power of me to overcome addictive behaviors controlled by my emotions and instead be more devoted to do those things to strengthen myself physically and emotionally.  And a positive side effect is that so far this year I've lost 28 pounds. My long-term goal is to break below 200 before I turn 40 next year. If I can do that, it will be the first time I've done it since I was in Junior High.  Now that's a goal I can let my thinking brain be in charge of.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Potty Training is Not for the Impatient

Potty training is no fun, even on a good day, and after potty training Rose (which took over a year), I was not looking forward to potty training Cyprus. Luckily, the local school district had a parent class a few months ago on how to potty train special needs kids. Man how I wish I had learned this stuff a long time ago.


The problem is that I'm not a very patient person, but with two special needs kids that is exactly what you need to be. With Rose I had tried the method of putting her on the potty every half an our and rewarding her with stickers. Yeah, that ended up with both of us in tears most of the time.


When I took the potty training class the first thing they suggested was to just take notes for a week. I honestly did a double take. Why would I need to take notes for teaching my kids how to go in the potty? The instructor then explained that by taking a week before starting training to write down every time you child pees/poops in their diaper from the time they get up to the time they go to bed, then you can identify if their body has created its own routine. Usually this works for special needs kids because they can't usually identify the signals for when they need to go.


I went ahead and tried it for a week on both of my boys - Cyprus because he's getting old (just kidding) and Juniper because he's obsessed with the potty.  I was going to be an awesome Mom, figure out their schedules and then get them both potty trained at once.


(Pause for laughter to subside.)


I talked it over with their pediatrician and he said not to worry about Juniper as very few boys were ready at his age. And with Cyprus's Autism he thought it best to give all my focus to him.  So I swallowed my pride and just focused on Cyprus. By monitoring his schedule I soon discovered a semi-routine that his body followed. So I started putting him on the potty 15 minutes before he usually went, usually after mealtime. And it worked.....until life got in the way.  Don't you hate that.  School, illnesses, fatigue, etc. etc. made it hard for Mommy to make anything into a routine.


So for once, I am looking forward to school being over so that I can focus the next three months on his routine. Technically he still has one more year of special needs preschool, and the teachers are awesome at trying to help stick to his routine. However, we haven't been consistent enough at home for Cyprus to connect that there is even a routine.   So that's my goal. Help my son connect the idea with going potty in the potty as a regular occurrence.


Much prayers for success appreciated.  Then once school starts again I can work with Juniper, because he is still way to obsessed with the potty.  Here's looking forward to the days of no more diapers/pull-ups. Though you seem so far away I have a glimmer of hope that you are coming nearer.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Dealing with Conflict

My husband and I went to a church activity tonight with pizza and a marriage counselor. I really had a great time. Everything I was learning about in regards to helping to strengthen your marriage I kept thinking about how it might help me with my children, especially Rose. She is going through a hard time of wanting to assert her independence, but not always in the best way. In the end we usually end up fighting.


So instead of posting my thoughts on what have helped me so far, I'm going to ask you for advice. How would you suggest giving a six year old a little freedom to be in charge and to make choices without letting them feel like they run the family?

Thursday, May 15, 2014

When Art Takes Over

Sometimes my kids are more creative than I would choose. Don't get me wrong--I love art and I think my kids are extremely talented. However, when their artwork takes form of black marker scribbles all over the white living room wall that I just painted a year ago, then its hard for me to be thrilled.  When it is a repetitive occurrence it even gets tougher to deal with.


Well it happened again today, but instead Cyperus who is usually the culprit, it was two year old Juniper (granted I'm pretty sure Cyperus handed him the tools of destruction).  And I'm tired and worn out as this is about the sixth time something like this has happened since October. 


The one tool that has helped me survive these times is Amodex. Combine this liquid with a Magic Eraser pad and it cleans the black marker right off. Unfortunately, I've misplaced my bottle, so now its back to Office Max to buy some more. If you don't have an Office Max near you, you can also order it from http://amodexink.com/.


Happy Scrubbing!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Scary Moments

One of the hardest aspects of being a mother is dealing with when your kids are in pain. My Cyperus, whether from the Autism or just is natural curiosity or through no fault of his own, tends to do things that end up with us at the doctor's office or the ER. 


A few years ago he had been sick. I had him resting on the floor of our bedroom while watching movies. When I checked on him after a few minutes he was having a seizure and had stopped breathing. After rolling him on his side to make sure his airway was clear I called 911. After an ambulance ride to our local hospital we learned that he had gotten a sudden and severed fever due to Strep Throat. I don't think I have ever been so scared.


Until yesterday.


Cyperus had gotten into a camping backpack that we thought was out of reach and found a first aide kit. Now, he naturally puts everything in his mouth, and what I didn't know is that this particular first aide kit had a smelling salt in it. The poor little boy opened up the kit while I was in the restroom and put the tablet in his mouth. After giving him fluids and calling poison control I took him once again to the nearest hospital, where all they could do was wait and watch to make sure his airways didn't close up.


There are very few things that make me feel totally helpless as a mother and that was one of them. He's home now with a very sore and blistered mouth, and hopefully an appreciation of what not to put in his mouth (I pray).   Even then I'm grateful for this little boy and the joy he brings into our lives. And I'm extremely grateful his injuries weren't worse.


And I want to sent a note to all my kids - stop making me so scared. Thank you.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Fill Your Spiritual Cup

For almost a year now I have been working with a counselor to learn to cope better with being overwhelmed. One of the main things that she keeps telling me is to make sure that I don't lose sight of who I am as an individual. To do that I must take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually in order to be whole. Unfortunately one of the first things I always tend to forget is working out my spiritual side.


According to Dictionary.com spiritual means "relating to the spirit or soul and not to physical nature of matter; intangible."


How many times do we as mothers take time to stop and think about how our soul is doing, let a lone what we need to be doing to strengthen it. For me my day is so busy getting kids dressed, feed, educated, not beating each other up, etc. Then I have to take care of the house, the bills, checking on extended family, and working on my marriage. Unfortunately this means that I often don't get down my internal checklist far enough to think about how my soul/spirit is doing. 


I'm learning that you can strengthen your spirit through many different ways. You can go to church and find strength through the sermons/lessons. Listen to your favorite music. Let loose and dance. You can have personal scripture study. You can go up into a mountain or overlooking the ocean and soak in the beauty of the earth. You can meditate. Basically anything that feels you with peace or helps you to calm inside.


I didn't realize how little I was able to do those things I personally needed to strengthen myself over the last year. With my back surgery last year, plus three little kids at home who rotate being sick, I would only get to church one time out of four if that. I also had stopped listening to music for me, didn't feel I had a moment to sit down and study the scriptures, etc.


In January I made a goal to try and find new ways to get that soul strength that I needed. Since I couldn't seem to make time to sit down and read scriptures I downloaded them on my mp3 player and started listening to them while in the car. Then, whether or not I could make it to church, I would find out what lessons were planned for that week and I would read up on the lesson anyway. If I did make it to church then I was doubly prepared, but if I didn't at least I had that drop of spiritual nutrition.


My car is also one of the older vehicles that only has a cassette player, so I went to a thrift store and found talks or education related tapes and would listen to them in the car as I drove from appointment to appointment. 


It was amazing the difference these little things did for me. On days that I would do these things I was kinder to my kids, happier, and could deal with life a bit better.  Well the last few weeks have been really rough for me and it was only on Friday that I did a face palm and realized what I was doing wrong. I had slipped back and wasn't doing those things. And because of it I've been grumpier, more stubborn, and not dealing with life that great.


So my suggestion today is the same thing my counselor keeps telling me - make sure you are taking care of the whole you.



Monday, May 12, 2014

Mother's Day/Hard Day

For many years Mother's Day was a very difficult day for me. I was single, then married with no kids, then married and having miscarriages. Every Sunday I would go to church and hear these fabulous talks about how wonderful it was to be a mother. And then the little kids would get up and sing to all their mothers. There were many times that I would leave during the middle of the meeting, or simply not go because it was too painful to listen to.


The Mother's Day before I ended up pregnant with my oldest my best friend had just given birth to her first son. The sweet lady that she is knew how hard that day was for me, so she invited me over to her house where I got to hide out and play with her adorable newborn. It was a Band-Aid to my wounded heart. 


Then I found out a few month's later I had miscarried again after another fertility treatment. I was devastated. Then, surprise, suddenly I was pregnant. I gave birth to my amazing Rose a little bit before Mother's Day the following year. Everything was awesome. Then we moved away when she was only two months old.


Suddenly, I was without friends, without my parents and in a new state with a newborn. But I was a mother. I lived up those moments over the next few years when she would bring me homemade presents and sing to me on Mother's Day. But I never forgot that heartache. So when I can I try to pass forward what my friend did to me and welcome others over who also might be having a hard time.


Yesterday at church I realized that I was starting to struggle again. My Mother is in one state. My Mother-In-Law is another state. And my Mother is going through cancer. I'm also struggling with the fact that I can't have any more children.  What helped me tremendously though was a fabulous talk in church about Mother's who often are faced with guilt, shame, and worry. That we're real people with real feelings and that its important to find peace and healing within ourselves. It was the exact talk that I needed to hear. I'm so grateful.


It was also fantastic that my husband stayed home with our littlest who was seriously grumpy so that I could go with the two other kids to church. What was even more special, is that even though my daughter didn't want to go up to sing she stayed by my side and sang directly to me. "Did you hear me singing?" she'd asked after each song. She was amazing and lifted my heart and a hard day.


So my new goal to not only make sure to keep my heart and home open to others who struggle on Mother's Day, but to also be open to taking care of myself and try and heal from my previous heartaches. And thank you to all of those beautiful people who made my hard day much more wonderful.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Enjoy the Special Moments

One of the major things that helps me survive Mommyhood is enjoying those special moments when the kids do something that makes your jaw drop because its so cute, or sweet, or incredible.  This week in preparation for Mother's Day Rose and Cyprus have been working on special presents at school. Cyprus brought me a beautiful little pot of mixed herbs and my daughter had to complete a questionnaire about her Mommy (with some help) and then painted me a watercolor picture of myself.










When she handed them to me so was so worried as to whether or not I would like them. I think they are absolutely adorable -- though, for the record, some of the questions she answered on the questionnaire are things that she likes, not necessarily what mommy likes. In other questions she was highly intuitive. But no matter what I love each of these presents very, very much.

My kids are miracles in my life. For the longest time I didn't even think I would be able to have children. And when we did, it was difficult to get them here. Sometimes it still feels difficult now that they're here, but I'm incredibly grateful that they are a part of my world. It is a blessing I wasn't sure I would ever have and I wouldn't change being a Mommy for anything. And as I tell my daughter every morning when I drop her off at school, "I love you more than infinity."

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Patience is a Hard Virtue to Learn

Early last year I was on depression medicine for post-partum depression. The only problem with that is that any medicine we tried I would soon show EVERY SINGLE side effect. My brain would shut off. I couldn't remember words to songs that I sang to my children every day since they were born. I even put a security lock on the inside of an opened window, so instead of my kids not being able to open the window, we weren't able to close the window. Smart, huh?


I also got the fun side-effect of having hallucinations. Let me tell you, its a bit disconcerting to be taking a shower and suddenly be soaring through a cave filled with dinosaur fossils. Or to even be taking a nap and wake up to find your room floating in water and a mermaid in your face with a sea dragon by her side. I even saw the water rippling and fish swimming around.


One of the worst side effects was that I was dizzy. This ended up with me falling down the stairs in our house twice, both times while carrying a child. One of those times I even plowed into a security gate at the base of the stairs, knocking it off the stairs and falling the rest of the down until I landed on top of the gate. Of course mother instinct had kicked in and I protected the child but I suffered from massive bruises everywhere (including on my ear).


After that I got off the depression medicine. The side effects just weren't for me. My husband is on depression meds and he doesn't get the side effects, so I'm not saying you should never take them. I'm saying judge for yourself.


Anyway, a few weeks after the last fall, I went to pick up my Juniper in the middle of the night and felt/heard a large pop in my back. I screamed. The pain was intense. The next morning I couldn't feel my right leg and any time I tried to climb the stairs it would collapse out from under me. Frank took me to the hospital where I had an MRI. I had ruptured a disc in my back. My doctor immediately recommended me to a spinal specialist.


So in April of last year, a few weeks shy of Rose turning 5, I had back surgery. My husband was left at home with an almost 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a one year old the whole time I was in the hospital. (Which he's done before and makes him even more so my hero.) When I awoke from surgery the doctor told me that when the disc had ruptured some of the debris floated down several inches and compressed my spine, which caused me to lose the feeling in my leg. I was told that I would need physical therapy, but that even then it would take a minimum of six months to a year for  me to start getting feeling in my leg again.


Well, for many reasons, this last year has been really really hard. I did physical therapy for a while, but then we switched insurances and simply couldn't afford the therapy anymore.  And a lot of emotional crap has happened too.


It has only been in the last month and a half that I've felt capable of getting back into the swing of things emotionally/psychologically. And only in the last few months have a started to get periodic pains in my leg to show that the nerves are starting to regenerate.


This whole time has been really hard on my kids as well. They don't understand why Mommy can't do certain things and they get really frustrated with me for it. Often times I have lost my temper because of it, wishing that they could be more compassionate for my trials. But they're just toddlers - cute ones at that. So I'm learning that as much as I struggle with patience so do my kids. And that's a hard mix to deal with.


So each day, as I'm continuing to heal physically/emotionally/psychologically I am learning to try and take a breath and calm down before a react to whatever my kids are doing/not doing.  It doesn't always work. But I've also learned that a camera can come in handy. If I'm angry with the kids because I'm tired and they've drawn on the wall for the fifth time in as many months. I go grab the camera and take a picture. That allows me a chance to not instantly lash out, but try and find perspective. It also gives me blackmail photos against my kids later in life.


So if you're like me and struggling with health issues & patience while trying to be a good Mom, then make sure you take a moment to breathe. And if necessary, put your child somewhere safe for a few moments and step outside for some fresh air and perspective.  Good luck. I'm rooting for you.



Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Don't Go It Alone

Being a Mom is hard work and in all honesty there are some days that I just break down and cry. There have been a lot of these days lately with struggles with my Mom's cancer, my parents' ensuing divorce, and trying to communicate with two specially created kids and one beautifully terrible two toddler. Oh and through in being on experimental levels of hormone therapy and you have an amazing time bomb waiting to happen.


Usually when I'm that stressed I turn to chocolate, but for now, for health reasons, I am on a highly restricted diet that makes it hard to do emotional eating. Which is good, right? Right?  I'm still debating that.


So when food isn't an option, and probably even if it is, its important to lean on family and friends. We have no family living near us and my best friend is several states away (definitely out of hug reach). As such, I find solace in my church friends/family and, funny enough, through Facebook. I have an amazing support group and when I'm down they tend to say (or type) the right thing that I need to hear at that moment.


For example, my daughter is like me (poor girl), if she's tired or hungry then she's irritable. And now that she's six I can see that when she is not handling life well, it is for one of these reasons. But how do you get a six year old to understand that her Mom is the same way?  I haven't found out this trick yet.


Another example, my sweet Autistic four year old does not seem to get "no" or any idea of limits. He also sees no barriers. If he can't reach something that he think looks interesting he will work tirelessly at creating methods of trying to get it until he does.  In fact, I think I need someone to design me an autistic centered-child proof house.  We also have a water table out back for the kids to play with. This kid is so creative that he's decided that his sister's stuffed dolphin and whales need to take a swim. No matter how many times or ways that I try to help him understand that stuffed animals aren't meant to take a dive I will still find a wet dolphin or whale laying on the grass next to/or sometimes still in the water table.


And then there's my little Juniper. He is an amazing two year old and he's good at it, but he's still humorous and huggable. But last week I went away for a couple days to a writer's convention and ever since I got back he hits me, on and off through the entire day to get back at me for leaving. And if he doesn't get his well he will bodily throw himself on the floor flailing in an artistic tantrum.


I love these kids more than my life. I wouldn't trade them for anything. But that doesn't change the fact that sometimes they are hard to deal with.  There are even some days I feel like a non-entity--like I'm their mommy-cyborg.  After a day of dealing with that I just want to sit down and cry (and often do).


That's when I talk to my friends, call my mom or mom-in-law, or post a request for advice on Facebook (especially the Autistic Support Group), and cry on my husband's shoulder.  If you have good friends/family they will say the thing that will give you the momentum to pick yourself up and to keep going. So please, don't ever try to endure being a Mom alone, even if you are a single Mom. Look for those around you that can provide the support you need to keep going. We're all in it together, one way or another.  Good luck - and could someone eat some chocolate for me please?



Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Building A Love for Science

I am a writer and a reader. Math and Science are not my specialties, but I have been helping a friend test out candy experiments for a sequel to her first book - Candy Experiments.


Candy Experiments


The experiments in this book, as well as the new ones I have been lucky enough to test for her, bring science into the home in a fun and exciting way. Plus, it teaches kids that they can do more things with candy than just eat it.  We've soaked, baked, microwaved, frozen, and much more to chocolate, gummy worms, jawbreakers, Skittles and more, just to see the chemical reactions that take place when we do it. The kids learn to document their findings and learn the science behind it all.


As a family we've been doing these experiments for several months now and you should see Rose's face light up as she'll come running into the kitchen and ask me, "Mom, can we do more science?"  This from a 6 year old.  She's even told her teacher she is planning on becoming a scientist.  I love it.  How often do you see that kind of excitement.  And you know what? I love doing it too. I'm learning amazing new things and have a chance to make my kids happy.  I call that a Win-Win.


To see my book review of the first Candy Experiments book click here: Candy Experiments.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Do It Yourself

I have an amazing, supportive husband and have been told many times by other couples what a unique find he is. I agree. He is pretty special. One of the things I love most about Frank is that he loves to teach our children how to do things. If he has to go down in the crawl space under our house to fix a pipe or start the waterline to the swamp cooler, then he takes Rose with him. If there are home repairs to be done, he gets the kids to help.  Last year he even planted strawberries out of our front window and had our daughter help with the whole process.


One of the things that I love most that he does for Daddy/Kid time is he'll take Rose and sometimes even Cyperus to the Kids Workshops at Home Depot held the first Saturday of every month. They LOVE it. They get to do mini projects, have their own child-sized Home Depot aprons, and come home with pins to keep on their apron.  Frank took Rose this last weekend and she came home with the most beautiful flower stand, complete with a miniature potted planted.


These special weekend events are a great way for kids to learn to do things for themselves, and some great one-on-one time with a Mom or Dad.


For more information click here: Home Depot Kid Workshops.

Friday, May 2, 2014

It's all about the Finish!

Being a writer I get the chance to meet some pretty amazing people who happen to also be writers. The great thing about that is that I can soak up all their experience and knowledge and use it to help me survive and thrive.

One of my friends is just such a person. Betsy Schow released a book last year titled Finished being Fat: An Accidental Adventure in Losing Weight and Learning How to Finish.
Finished Being Fat: An Accidental Adventure in Losing Weight and Learning How to Finish

If you would like to read my review of her book click here: Finished Being Fat.  Now, you might think, "Oh no, not another WEIGHT LOSS book." 

Go back and read the tag line beyond the title. The main concept of this book is to find those things in our lives that we keep undone, things that we say we will get to someday, and then to actually do them.  Betsy happened to lose weight while she was learning this lesson.

For me, I am learning to make sure that I finish things that I start with my kids. Now, I'm not always 100% successful at this, but it is important for them and for me that things get finished.

If I promise my kids something, then I need to follow through. If I commit to doing something, then I need to do it (world Apocalypse interference an exception).  This book nudged me done the path of starting to deal with my postpartum depression last year,  keeps me writing, got me up and moving after back surgery, taking archery, and doing so many other things. It is because of this book that I take my kids to the park when we're all having a bad day. And its because of this book that I periodically am able to look into the things that I am unhappy with about myself and I make a decision to change that. Then I work to follow through.

So thanks Betsy - for being an awesome friend, mentor, and finisher.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Elephant in the Room

For a mom who has issues with conflict, there's actually quite a few talks out there that I am not looking forward too. In fact, I started talking openly about anatomy with Rose since she was two in hopes that I would get over my fears to the point that the "sex talk" will be a breeze. (Ha, still working on that one.)


One of the scariest topics to discuss with your children is the pornography talk. And I'm honestly terrified to bring it up. I've seen people struggle with a pornography addiction and it is hard road to travel for everyone involved. So I want my kids to be prepared. But how the heck to you bring it up and when?


Well, I know some AWESOME people who wrote an amazing book called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures.
Good Pictures Bad Pictures


I know one of the authors & the illustrator and they are incredible ladies. I am beyond grateful that they created this book. The first part explains to the parents about the dangers of pornography and how it can affect kids as early as 7 years old. The second part is presented in a story format with beautiful illustrations that you can read with you kids and explains how pornography can affect a developing brain. It's clear, concise, and well done.


Now I have a six year old, and the thought terrifies me that in less than a year she could be a statistic. So I ordered this book and as soon as I started reading it and Rose immediately comes up and asks, "What's good pictures/bad pictures?" I gave her a high overview and told her that as soon as Dad and I read the book and talked about it that I would read it with her.  I couldn't believe how easily she approached me about it and wanted to talk about it.

Thank you to these three wonderful ladies for making a tough discussion suddenly a lot easier.


If you want to learn more about how to inoculate your kids against porn you can also check out Kristen's blog at http://pornproofkids.com/. I highly recommend it.